I look at my sons heart rate monitor, I see it fluctuate between 145-160. I see the typical up and down of the pulse on the screen. He went all night without any "episodes" where his heart rate would suddenly drop to below 60. For five days I've been in The hospital with Noah. I was so torn because I had two other children at home. My mother and husband were doing a great job taking shifts with them, but I felt like I had to be in two places at once. Finally by Sunday night, I was exhausted from thinking about Noah and the two kids. I was able to be discharged on the stipulation that I would have to pump every two hours in order for Noah to have enough food. Then we began thinking of taking shifts with him through the night at the hospital. I was a little more encouraged on Monday morning when I went first thing to feed him.The doctor said that everything looks great on him. There were no infections or jaundice. They were just monitoring him for his heart.
By Friday, he should be able to come home. Honestly I was devastated. I didn't know how many days I would be able to manage having my family in two different places.
Last night before I went to sleep, I just cried thinking, "Why do complicated situations always happen to me?" With my other two children, both their pregnancies and births had be complicated. Both with either blood issues , being breach or having to stay in the hospital longer.
I can never have a simple life.
_____________________________________ For those that know me I'm a very type A personality. I love having a plan for my life. I love having schedules. I love knowing what's coming next.
Ha ha, thanks be to God, my life is been one big adventure of ups and downs and surprises. This is just one way that I have a love/hate relationship with my life walking with God. I didn't realize when I was twelve, when I gave my life to God as an older person, that I would have to do all this work growing my faith.
It's like every morning, when I get up and I pray for the day, I tuned out. The prayer becomes old-hat. I think "I know exactly what I'm going to be doing today and I don't have to worry about it."
Praise God that He is always in the business of wrecking my plans.
Baby Noah came four weeks earlier than we had expected. We had to scramble to find a car seat and babysitters for other two children. And everything started to fall into place. But then I got the news that he had to stay five extra days in the hospital.
It's like a cruel joke to me.
Then I had to figure out a new plan for feeding and watching the other two kids.
God always likes to change up my plans on me, just to see if I'm going to trust him no matter what.
I know trusting God is that one of the hardest things that I've ever learned how to do my entire life. I know it's a cliché to think, "I trust God I trust him about everything." Until something happens that you can't explain and you can't figure out. I know the verse that keeps coming up in my mind is Proverbs 3:5-6. Which has been definitely over-quoted in the years of Christian sub-culture. I see this verse on bumper stickers and T-shirts a lot.
You don't realize when you read something over and over and over again how it becomes trivial and less valuable to your walk with God. You become desensitized to the true meaning of it.
Proverbs 3:5,6 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. But in ALL your ways, acknowledge HIM, and He will make your paths straight. It's not until you get in a situation where you're just in tears. When You can't explain your way out and you have to trust God because that's the only thing that you can cling to in the situation. That's what I have felt in the past couple of days. I can't say and it's been easy road for me. I can't say that I have completely trusted in God but I can say honestly "Lord help me with my unbelief."
I know on facebook and instagram, the people following this story have said over and over again, "God won't give you more than you can handle."
Let me be the first to tell you, that, even though that verse sounds "good" and "fuzzy" and "inspirational," that it's just not true.
I am a firm believer in God giving you MORE than you can handle. Because when you are over-your-head, you begin to TRUST HIM completely.
_______________________________________ So every day, twice a day, I go over to little Noah's room and I sit in a little plastic chair in the corner. I feed him and I pray for him. I hold his little body in my arms and hope that I can trust God a little bit better than the day before. I have to believe that me being in the hospital twice a day is somehow bringing people closer to God.
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